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Posted by

Victoria Lagodinsky

May 9, 2014

4-things-you-can-do-to-help-someone-with-depression

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.” – Anonymous

Depression expert Alexandra Massey shows you 4 things you can do to help someone you know with depression.
alexandra massey

‘For every one person that suffers from depression, there’s a whole host of family and friends who are also affected. It’s not easy living or working with someone who suffers from depression. It can seem as if they are living in a parallel world because of how they view life which makes no sense to someone who doesn’t suffer. Their lack of motivation, persistent sadness or outbursts can seem very alien to an outsider. Yet, the very nature of depression can make the sufferer too ashamed to talk about what’s really going on and this can make it hard to help. And when they do talk, they often don’t know where or how to get help.

That’s where you come in. For someone who’s depressed, having someone who cares about them is priceless because being caught in the spiral depression can be an isolating and lonely place to be.

Here are 4 ways you can help someone today who suffers from depression.
 

1. Recognise the signs of depression

You probably would know if someone you’re close to is depressed but in case you need some guidance, here are some standard symptoms that indicate depression:

• Persistent sadness, irritability, restlessness, pessimism and hopelessness.
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness.
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed.
• Thoughts of death or suicide.
• Chronic physical pain.

As a rule of thumb if these symptoms have persisted for more than 3 weeks, it’s likely that they are depressed. You may want to tell them that you think they’re depressed and even show them this article to explain why you think that. If they brush you off you have a choice: persist or leave them alone. Either way, make it clear that you’re available if they want to talk.
 

2. Help them get help

Being crippled with depression leaves the person feeling very de-motivated and to have someone help them to get professional help can be a life saver. Even if it’s opening the phone book and pointing to the correct number. If the person is suicidal then it’s a doctor they need and it may work best if you offer to take them so instead of saying ‘you need to get to a doctor’ you could re-phrase it with ‘let’s get to a doctor’ and then take them.

You may have to deal with lots of protestations ‘there’s nothing wrong with me’ or ‘just leave me alone’ but this is indicative of very low self esteem and you may have to be gentle but firm to get someone through the door. There’s a line between caring and controlling and it’s important to stay on the caring side. Again, by explaining that you want to help them and that your door is always open, you are being available without nagging them.
 

3. Listen, listen, listen

To really listen to someone is a lot harder than it sounds. So often when we listen we’re not really listening but either planning what we’re going to say once we can get a word in or thinking about something else entirely. Listening to someone who’s hurting is a real skill but also a generous gift. Being properly heard is powerful and healing. It says to the other person ‘I’m interested in you; what you have to say is important to me; I don’t’ judge you – I accept you’.

To really listen to someone you have to become ‘still’. It helps to take your attention from your head and down into your body. This stops your own thoughts from pelting you with questions like ‘Why did he say that? What does that mean?’ Instead you simply listen to every word the depressed person is saying. If your attention is in your body you can more easily ignore the judgements you may have about what they’re saying because they tend to come from your thoughts and, if you’re attention is in your body, you won’t have any thoughts. If you feel judgemental or critical then just keep that to yourself.

What you can do is simply repeat back what the other person has said. For example, ‘So, if I heard you right, you’re feeling like life has no meaning for you at the moment.’ You can even check out whether you were correct, ‘Did I hear that correctly?’ This type of listening is like gold dust to a depressed person. It makes them feel cherished and important. Don’t underestimate how powerful it is. If they don’t want to talk simply sitting with them, being still and peaceful, is also precious and may provide them with the space to be open and honest. Remember one thing, you don’t have to fill the silence.
 

4. Don’t feel guilty about being happy

When you’re concerned that someone you love is suffering it’s important to help but as important to take care of yourself too. It’s hard not to be affected by someone else’s suffering but as far as the sufferer is concerned, if they took others down with them, often it makes them feel worse. Here’s some tips to stay strong:

• Don’t feel guilty for feeling happy
• Find time for you and don’t give up your own pleasures
• Always remember someone else’s depression is not your fault
• They will come through their depression when they’re ready
• Give some of yourself to help them but not all of yourself
• You being happy gives others hope that they can be happy too

It may help to know that there’s always a reason why someone is depressed. Many people I know, myself included, have discovered a better life after recovering from depression. It takes time and slow, slow steps to recover but it is possible. Just know that they will discover real meaning of their life once they’re through it. Be patient but also be happy. Finally, it’s important to remember: you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. There’s only one person who can beat depression and that’s the person who suffers. Just be a friend.

 
Diet can play a big part in helping to alleviate depression – here are Alexandra’s 6 Foods to Help Fight Depression
 
4 things you can do to help someone with depressionIn her latest book, Beat Depression Fast, Alexandra provides a ten-step programme to follow in an easy, straightforward sequence that builds on strengths and skills.

Featuring practical exercises throughout to help put theory into practice, this book will help you make real changes from Day One.

Beat Depression Fast: 10 Steps to a Happier You by Alexandra Massey

£7.99